fuck rodanthe

i cannot even begin to tell you how much this movie blows. but i will try.

nights in rodanthe: a sad movie about sad people trying to escape their sad lives. the normally outrageously hot diane lane plays a tired looking, jilted housewife who wears a series of oversized sweaters begging to be cinched. i get the whole relaxed at the beach thing but i was hoping for more of a lauren hutton look and instead got a repeated eye full of grandma moses. richard geere is more gerbil like than ever and fails to draw even one ounce of empathy as an emotionally distraught doctor embroiled in an malpractice suit. and his clothes don't fit either. his nuts are so tightly packed into his denim that it gives him a rodney dangerfield eye bulge for the entire movie. in one scene, i swear i saw his shirt button pop off and roll behind the stove.

beyond the major fashion gaffs, an inexcusable movie crime in my book, the dialogue is putrid. so much of this film is spent with the two of them engaged in such scant verbal exchange, that when they do talk it comes off as incredibly lame. "who keeps you safe?" geere whispers. instead of getting shy and looking away, lane should have said, "mind your own fucking business and go look for shells!" yet somehow, through their swapped wardrobes and their beach house snake dance, they save each other. familial rifts are patched up, people orgasm, the tide crashes and rolls. what a yawnfest. *i went hoping to jerk some sort of emotional sap out of my tree and ended up leaving early to go eat chinese food and read yesterday's paper. such a shame. the movie had everything going for it: two capable, shaggable actors, sand, salt shake rooftops, wine, shutters...wind chimes. how hard can it be? yet still, my utter ennui is matched only by my absolute incredulity that this movie was even made. and by the romance impresario who brought us this. for shame! "there's a kind of love that makes you feel that anything is possible." lane stresses to her young daughter. anything, that is, except making a good movie.

*this sounded much dirtier than intended. but now i am glad i said it. so there.